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>Yesterday was a really hard day for me. Lots of different reasons as to why but it just wasn’t a good day. Today has been a little bit better. I’m just struggling and it seems that’s what this blog has become…a boohoo fest for me ha ha and I hope it won’t always be that way but in college it just seems to be more relative. I could go on on and on about my situation and where Ive gotten myself and how I got here but the main thing I want to find is how do I get out? How can I forgive myself…accept what I have done..understand the feelings of others and move on. Move on to live better. Last night at Vertical I was really hopeing for a break through..something that could just make everything back to how it was and honestly I was hopeing God would tell me what I need to do next. As we sang songs I tried so hard to listen to the words and mean them as I was singing but i was so distracted and detached. I hate that feeling the most, the feeling of detachment, distance, I hate feeling distance from God the most. And last night as we sang I surrender all I just couldn’t sing it. i could not bring myself to sing those words, so i as i am standing there BAWLING (are we surprised) I’m sure the guy next to me was like what the…but the reason I couldn’t say that is because I’m still holding on to this one part of my life that I love so so much. I want everything to work out so badly that I cant let go and trust God. I KNOW I should but I can not let go. I’ve asked for many people to pray for me because I think things are about to get really hard but GOD WILL HELP ME! I know he will I just have to take the leap and know that’s Gods story is so much bigger then my own. I really am going to try and dive into His word and learn more and more so that I can be MORE and MORE of a light for him! Darkness in my own life just cause others to not see a glimpse of hope…so all of this darkness in my life..all of these places that are so hidden and I just cant seem to figure out what is going to happen next I have to give it up and give it to the Lord.
So Lord right now you know my heart. You know my love for you and my love for others, God I pray that you would hold my hand forever and help me through this hard time. God do not push those away that I love but let them KNOW how much I love them and that even though my actions didn’t show it, you have placed them in my heart forever. God please give me peace today that you have a plan for my life! A plan that I can’t see right now but let me know it is there! Hold my hand and guide me as I struggle to hear and see you more! Oh Lord please come back into my heart and into my life so I can be more and more like you! Bless my family and friends
I love you

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